Behavior as a Clue: Helping Children Through Connection and Understanding
I was recently mentoring a teacher who shared concerns about a student struggling with behavior and staying on task. Naturally, I wanted to know more. The teacher explained that this student has significant difficulties with reading and writing. While he doesn’t have an Individualized Education Program (IEP), he is receiving Tier 3 interventions to support his reading deficits.
When I asked about the student's behaviors, the teacher described him as explosive, with emotions that can escalate from 0 to 60 in seconds. He often struggles to regulate his feelings and frequently uses aggressive language, saying things like, “This sucks,” “I hate being here,” and “I’m not doing this.”
Curious to learn more, I asked the teacher to share a specific example.
During small group reading, the teacher had gathered this student and two others to work on tone and intonation. When it was his turn to read, the teacher instructed him to, “sound more like a 4th grader.”
When I heard this, I paused. “Sound more like a 4th grader.” What does that really mean to a child who is already struggling academically and emotionally?
I asked what happened next. The teacher explained that the student did nothing. He sat in his seat, his frustration building until he began pounding on the desk. The teacher interpreted this as rudeness and laziness, feeling that the student had simply given up.
I responded with some “hmms” and “interestings”. I could sense the teacher’s frustration, possibly thinking, “Why aren’t you taking my side? Kids are so challenging these days.”
I couldn’t disagree—kids are challenging. But I also knew there was more to the story.
Behavior as a Clue, Not Just a Problem
This student’s behavior wasn’t just defiance. It was a clue. His outburst wasn’t about being rude or lazy—it was a response to feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. When asked to “sound like a 4th grader,” he likely felt exposed, as if his struggles were on display for everyone to see. The pounding on the desk was his way of communicating, “I can’t do this, and I don’t know how to tell you.”
Let’s be honest—what does “sound like a 4th grader” even mean? I asked the teacher, “How would you feel if someone told you to sound like a 4th-grade teacher?” Her response was, “I’d probably feel very insecure”.
What Can We Do?
For both parents and educators, this story is a reminder that behavior is often the visible tip of a much larger iceberg. Beneath the surface are unmet needs, academic struggles, and unspoken fears. Instead of viewing behaviors as disruptions, we need to see them as opportunities to dig deeper and connect.
When a child’s behavior feels challenging, ask yourself:
What might this behavior be telling me?
What need is going unmet?
How can I respond with connection and empathy?
I know this is easier said then done, but At TLC Learning Group, we focus on building compassionate connections and using mindset shifts to transform behavior from a barrier to a bridge for deeper understanding. We give teachers and caregivers the tools to do so. One of those tools is when we shift our perspective and see behavior as a clue, we open the door to understanding and connection. Whether you’re a parent navigating challenging behaviors at home or an educator striving to create a supportive classroom environment, you don’t have to do it alone.
Connect with TLC Learning Group today to learn how our compassionate, evidence-based strategies can help transform behavior into an opportunity for growth. Let’s work together to build stronger, more empathetic connections with the children in your life.